Hiding and Whales

Yo!

So I'm hiding in my office cupboard. I'm here with my laptop thing (which I think is broken, by the way. When Philpot sends me links to pictures and sites he thinks I'll like, my computer says "restricted" and "not available" and shit like that. I told Michelle - who bought me the laptop and set it up and stuff - and she said I wouldn't like those sites anyway. But how would she know?) ... anyway, I've got my broken laptop on my knees, and I'm typing totally quietly. I've even taped some kitchen paper to my fingertips to make less noise.

It's the white guys. They're after me.

And I've explained to them: I'm like, "It's the whales, dudes," but they're like, "you have to wash, sir." And so I say again: "It's the whales!" I tell 'em how I ain't gonna wash no more coz whales need the soap more than we do.

Basically, it started when I was watching Heroes then, during the ad break, I flipped over to Discovery and there was this thing about fish and whales and stuff, all swimming round, happy and everything. Then it said something about soap and how there's this problem with soap and whales... I didn't properly catch it. But I think whales might eat soap. And we shouldn't use soap to wash coz otherwise all the whales will starve.

So I stopped. No more soap for your man B.O!

It's been just over 2 weeks since I last washed.

And I think that's cool, admirable even (even if I do say so myself), but the white guys (and Michelle) have got this problem with it. They're like, "If you want to meet foreign dignitaries, you gotta wash." And they're not listening about the whale problem. They keep going on at me to get in the shower. But I'm not having it. No way. I'm hiding out in this cupboard with my stockpile of soap.

I tell you, dudes, the first thing I'm doing when I'm in next year is shipping a load of soap to the sea so whales can chow down.

FEED THE WHALES!

Peace out.

B.O

p.s. I'm no prude but I think this dog should be a bit more demure.

Philpot

Yo!!!

So Philpot told me what a "Mancrush" is. Since he became gay at my stag party , he's been telling me all about gay life and stuff. It's interesting shit, dudes! Like, when you turn gay, you don't have to pay for anything. ANYTHING!!! And, because you stop thinking about girls and stuff, your IQ goes like through the roof!!! Totally! It's amazing! And I think he was going to tell me more but then Michelle walked in the room and Philpot said he had to go because it just got cold. Michelle was like, "Bye Philpot," but I don't think he heard her coz he just walked out.

Anyway... apparently a Mancrush is when a straight dude is allowed to do it with another dude (and his wife has to let him) - but only if the other dude is a celebrity. (Although Philpot said that as I'm a celebrity now, I could pick a civilian and that would be okay.)

But he didn't seem to like my answers. I wasn't allowed Peter Petrelli coz Philpot says he's not real (Err... hello? He's on T.V right in front of me?). Sir Ian McKellen was too old. And Shaquille o'Neal was too tall. Apparently there's criteria or something. He was like, "They don't have to be a celebrity!" but I pretty much only know celebrities now - apart from Philpot and a few others. Eventually, when I picked Brian, he told me I didn't get it.

But he says there are other times when it's okay for a straight dude to be gay:

1. After sports.
2. If you joke about it afterwards.
3. Mancrush scenario.
4. If you're close friends.

It's so frickin' cool having a gay friend. You learn so much!!!

Peace out.

B.O.

1st Week!!

Well, that's my first week done. And it was all pretty easy. This President thing's gonna be a piece of cake. For realz!!

I met the guy who's giving me his house. Totally awesome!! I was like, "Thanks so much for giving me your house, dude!" He didn't really say much but I think he's cool with it. Anyway, we went round and I told him all the changes I was going to make - putting my Peter Petrelli posters up and fitting a bigger T.V. It rocked!! Ooh, I also want one room that's like totally blacked out: everything painted matt black - even the lightbulbs. And it's gonna have joss sticks for ambience and stuff. That's gonna be where I write songs on my acoustic guitar. It's gonna be so frickin cool! The babes are gonna love it!

I've written a new song, actually. It's called "I'm The President of Your Love". The first verse goes like this:

I'm the president of your love
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
I'm gonna swoop down from above
Mmm mmm mmm mmm
And take you to the big new house
Yeah
With many many rooms, where I'm gonna
Love you, baby...

(to the melody of Another Brick in the Wall) ... and then I'm gonna ask Snoop Dogg to rap about something. It's gonna blow Kanye out the frickin water!!!

Well, I'm gonna go now. The headaches are back and I've got this craving for something but I don't know what. The white guys say it'll pass and I shouldn't take any more aspirin. But they don't understand...

Peace out.

B.O

p.s. Who cut this dog's hair? Whoever it was obviously had no idea what they were doing. The fringe is way too short and doesn't suit the delicate features of the pooch's face.

I'm IN!!!!

Yo!!!

I WON!!!!

And I get a new house! For realz! They told me before and I was like, yeah right. It's true though: A frickin HOUSE!!!!

Everyone was crying and shit, and they were wearing T's with my face on and stuff like that. It was AWESOME. (I've had my face on a T-shirt before, but that was at my stag weekend and it wasn't so good coz Brian got sick from eating mud and Philpot turned gay.)

Anyway... I totally got laid. YESSSSSSS!!!!! Not one of the hotties with my visage on their boobies but still... Michelle was like, "Mr President" and I was like "Mrs President..." and we did it baaaaaaaaad! Have discovered "Presidential priviledges". Touchdown!!!!

I'm pretty tired now though. I'm gonna have me a B-nap. It'll be my first sleep in like 143 hours. The whole trip, going round, waving and stuff, was pretty full-on, so the white guys kept giving me coffee with the aspirin pills they were feeding me. I told them I didn't have a headache but they said I'd get one if I didn't take the pills. Anyway, that was STRONG mochachocalatte...

And I guess tomorrow it's down to business and stuff. First up... I'm gonna make Heroes three times a week. Totally!!! (Sometimes I pretend I'm Peter Petrelli and I'm like stopping time and flying and stuff, and then BAM, do some crazy lightning hand shot or something. It kicks ass.)

Well. Gotta go.

Peace out.

B.O.

p.s. I found this pic of a dog. He's wearing shades and has got this thing on his nose. How the hell did he manage it with just paws? And who's he hiding from? Whoever's persecuting the dog, leave him alone, ok? Seriously. LEAVE HIM ALONE.